The Kitchen Floor

I was a pre-teen when the True Love Waits movement started. The churches all around me were having commitment ceremonies that were designed to be a foreshadowing of weddings every quarter. Some jewelers specialized in true love waits rings, real gold bands inscribed with those 3 words, not the silver ones you could pick up from the local Bible bookstore. I was immersed in the purity culture, good and bad, and everything that came along with it. I pledged these words every time with full conviction to live them out as was expected of me, “Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship.” Before we have a deep conversation about this season of church culture, I want to make sure you understand where this is headed. This is not going to be a church-bashing session, they did the best they knew with what they had, like every generation prior and since. This is not about how short skirts are, if crop tops are biblical, or if leggings are pants. This is my experience, living through this movement, how it impacted my young adult years, what I learned, and how I’m doing things a little differently with my own teens. This is a hot-button issue with most Christian families, and I will talk about pre-marital sex, purity, and sex in marriage. You have been warned, and you are welcome to skip this conversation or to sit here with me. We may not agree on every aspect, but that’s ok, we can still be friends and do ministry together, even if we have a different take based on our life experiences. I’m not just going to pour the tea, I’m about to dump it.

I remember being at many youth events where the True Love Waits movement was taught, and there was always an invitation at the end to come sign a commitment card to pledge your abstinence till marriage. I always got up to make those pledges, did the classes, the conferences, all the things, at our church, my best friend’s church, my aunt’s church, you get the idea. I had the original silver band with the black lettering, the white gold jeweler’s edition, and even bracelets that made it clear we were waiting. I had the pledge card in my wallet, on my dresser, and in my Bible. I knew the songs, the Bible verses, and every answer they wanted to know on how I was going to stay pure. 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 was the passage we drilled home every youth meeting. My entire self-worth for my future husband was completely dependent on whether or not I was a virgin on our wedding night. If I chose the life of a slut, had any sexual promiscuity, or wore clothing that would cause my brother’s in Christ to stumble, I was going to be unworthy of a Godly marriage.

I was the model student, wore mock-turtle necks under all my sweaters, black hose under skirts that came to my knees, never let my bra straps show, and my fingertips were always above hemlines. I didn’t date until after I was in my Junior year of high school, and didn’t even have camp boyfriends. Now, this didn’t mean I was enjoying those choices, but my conviction to remain as pure as the white wedding dress I wanted to wear was unmatched. I would feel dump truck loads of shame when I caught myself wishing boys found me attractive enough to ask me out, want to wear a tankini, or the one time I wore a deep burgundy lipstick at 17 and a college boy smiled at me. I wish I could sit with my 16-year-old self on the kitchen floor and cry with her about body image, expectations, and pressure from my roles in life. That teen girl had no idea the weight of those things was sucking the life out of her, and would lead her down a path to depression and trauma in a few short years. I would have explained that yes, it was true that physical touch can accelerate quickly, and hormones make it much harder to stop the train. But I would have also told her that purity and virginity were two different things. Purity of her heart was far more important than if she followed the clothing guidelines, and knowing why she was waiting for her future husband was a much deeper truth needed as she would experience life than a pledge she would recite every year. Sometimes we find ourselves going through the expected motions and checking boxes, but have no understanding in our souls why the Lord has set boundaries for us.

The well-meaning teaching went something along these lines, “It” (because we don’t say sex, penis, vagina, masturbate, or any of those words in church), is dirty and taboo, you don’t do that unless you’re married, and you don’t talk about “it” when you are married. If you do “it” you should be filled with shame and understand you’re so dirty for choosing that. And if anything ever happens to you, you clearly deserved it and were at fault for the situation, probably because you were dressed immodestly. Once you’ve done “it” you’re used and don’t hold any value. Those hormones and desires are only sin-based! You’re upholding a family legacy with your virginity, don’t let us down. Here’s a book written by a Christian guy on puberty. GOOD LUCK. Oh, and make sure you order the newest TLW rings as soon as they’re available so you have a nice one for your wedding ceremony when God rewards you for your purity by bringing you a husband.”

Here’s your last chance to bail on this blog before we jump into the deep end. I’m fixing to be extra transparent, talk about sexual trauma, and how this entire movement set me up for failure. For clarification purposes, my husband is fully aware of my past, and we have always said if our testimony can help another find hope and forgiveness in Christ, then we must share it.

Jeremy and I both grew up as church kids, same summer youth camps, same doctrinal teachings, same youth conferences. Our stories are drastically different, but we ended up at the same place because God is gracious in all He does. As I’ve said before, people-pleasing was my strength, and my biggest weakness. I wouldn’t ask questions around why we believed something. I felt that questioning anything I was taught would make me look like I struggled in my faith and let my family down. I believed sin and sex were interchangeable. I had no idea sex was a gift that God created to be ENJOYED in the relationship of marriage. I thought it was going to be a marriage duty I performed as an act of submission as a good wife for my husband. I didn’t believe it was something to bring pleasure, and if I were to find it pleasurable, I was a harlot, because that was why prostitutes chose their profession. What kinda messed up theology is that?! The kind that doesn’t ask questions for clarification because they are afraid of letting people down. I still struggle when I’m preparing for youth conferences and know this topic is one that the Lord wants discussed, because we have done a terrible job as the church in this area of education without condemnation. The church has done a wonderful job of communicating our sin nature, but not so much at communicating the gifts that God created for a married couple, called intimacy and sex.

I didn’t know there was something glorious, and that my heart would be completely consumed with my husband after we were married. That when Eve was cursed to have a desire for her husband, and him lord over her, it would leave me with a longing to be desired and find fulfillment in a man without the understanding that was something only the Lord could fill. He would design my husband in a way that would lead me to the Feet of Jesus over and over and over. We have lies that we believe, like, once I get that job, graduate, get married, have a kid, get to college, get that car, once my body count hits a certain number, get the follows, the likes, if I ace that test, if I can just get one more hit, or can get someone to bottle me…then I’ll be ok…Then I will be content, then I will feel valued and loved. THIS IS SUCH A LIE. I’ve been there. I’ve been on the side where I am longing for that brighter day, and I’m living a life where we’ve got the house, the jobs, the degrees, the ministry, the car, the dogs, the kids, the vacations, the life that we dreamed of….and if you want to know the truth….as amazing, wonderful, and Holy Spirit given as it is…I can still struggle with the next thing, and learning to be content…because the only thing that truly leaves me satisfied is Jesus. When we have been broke, with a marriage that was struggling, when we had kids in the NICU or severely ill in the hospital, seen hell with skin on in the foster care system, and when we’ve been on mountain tops and living our best life…it’s still only been in Christ and sitting in his lap being his daughter that I have contentment and peace.

So I went through high school, secretly wanting a bae, but no one was interested in me except the guys no one was interested in. As much as I loved Jesus, there was a natural part of me that wanted to be valued and viewed as exquisite by a guy. Add that to my already complex issues with sex, and I was a confused mess. I also hadn’t been taught what to do, or how to stand up for myself if a male crossed lines. When grown men in the church would make comments, grab my arms to forcefully move me, or touch me while “hugging”, I just knew I wasn’t allowed to make a scene and to pray for them. By the time I had a boyfriend in my senior year of high school, I didn’t understand why things felt like a rollercoaster of emotions, and why we weren’t “connecting” on a deeper level. Now here’s where my generation differed from today’s: My generation was seeking out fulfillment in all the wrong places, and it was obvious. They were loud and proud of their choices, drugs, music fettish, and lifestyles. The current generation is doing it, but the idea of commitment is scary, and live your truth is the main voice. They are also trying to make it all acceptable, and have twisted words and their meanings, to help them avoid the conviction and weight of the sin they’re stepping in. So this generation is staying single longer, not really walking in lifetime level commitment until their 30’s, but still trying to enjoy all the fun parts of marriage without being official. Because deep love isn’t worth the risk…where my friends were all looking for “love” in anything that would give them attention. Anyway. I was able to keep my virginity until my husband and I had been dating for a while and were already moving towards marriage. I don’t say this proudly…because the Bible doesn’t say “remain a virgin till a few months before your wedding, or else” it says abstain from sexual immorality….period, end of story. I may have been a virgin, but I had already been molested by “christians” and found myself coping in a series of trauma influenced moments. I would choose to dress in ways to get that look that said I was a snack, or even send a requested picture that was slightly suggestive, because I wanted the affirmation I was attractive to a guy. Girls, we know what we are doing…don’t play innocent on me about how you choose to dress when attention is at stake…or the way you’re gonna eat that popsicle…because even in my goodie two-shoes self I knew exactly what I was doing…I wanted to be wanted, and attention feels good. The issue is not a hem length, it’s a heart posture. When we are choosing to do these things to get attention from others and it’s directly causing them to walk in lust, sinful nature, and unrighteousness, that’s when we are being the stumbling block. Guys, you don’t get to play dumb either…you know exactly what you’re doing. You know girls are willing to do more when you build them up in a certain way. Again, it not about clothing as much as it is about heart. What is your goal? Why do you think that affirmation, the likes, the fire emojis, are going to fill you up? But we are each going to be held accountable for our own actions. Actions I can honestly say I’m not proud of.

I have never formally told my parents I wasn’t a virgin on my wedding night, because it’s not something I want to talk about, and as a parent, I have a feeling they know. The trip to visit my then-boyfriend, soon-to-be fiancé, a family skeleton in the closet was exposed, so to speak. I would be the first one to be a virgin, the way our church culture had trained me, in my immediate family when I got married. I was livid. Here I was keeping this legacy to find out it was a lie, so I was an easy target when we were going a little too far with a little too much privacy. I felt like it all didn’t matter anymore, but the truth was, it still did. Now that I’m this far on this side of sex and marriage…I’m telling you that I had already given in to emotional sexual immorality while trying to make sense of trauma long before that day with the man I’m now married to. God was so gracious to me that Jeremy is the only person I’ve ever slept with. Now, trauma played a part as well, because we don’t talk about sexually based trauma well in the church either. I had already been molested by boys in youth group, trainers in college, and so-called friends. This all played a part in feeling like I had no value outside of my actual virginity left, and opened doors I would have never knocked on with sexting, heavy petting, basically Snapchat before it existed, purposely doing things to get sexually motivated attention even though I personally had no intentions of acting on the results. My heart and body had already been violated with something that should have been sacred, and I didn’t understand the difference between purity and virginity enough to know I still could be pure in a world that was screaming in my face a different message. The world is convincing us all to choose sexual impurity in the name of self-exploration, experimentation, and social media. Did you know, according to current stats, over 1/5 of any crowd has already experimented with a member of the same sex but doesn’t believe that’s having sex because it’s not a penis in a vagina?

I’m not here to simply tell you not to have sex, because this issue is much deeper than that statement. Do I think sex before marriage is God’s best, absolutely not. I do believe sexual purity before marriage sets you up for a beautiful intimacy free of any prior notions and expectations. But that’s not the reality for most. The reality is that most have been sexually abused, harassed, have a porn addiction, or have already made a sexual choice. In all honesty, sexual immorality is a symptom of a deeper issue…a deeper heart issue with how you see your own value, worth, and how much you value God’s best for your life. How deep is your conviction to walk with the Lord in holiness? I was majorly convicted for years to walk in blameless and pure paths, but then in a moment of feeling like everything I knew about purity was a lie, I gave in easily. Now, I understand that a huge reason why you have to have such concrete boundaries with purity is because one of those hormones also shuts down the logical part of your brain during sexual encounters so you can’t stop once the train is rolling…so don’t think to yourself, oh, I’ll just only go so far and then we have a boundary. Because it doesn’t work…trust me on that one…that’s where I learned I wasn’t strong enough. You will pick up where you left off, whether that’s with a new partner or the same, unless you allow the Holy Spirit to heal you and teach you. Please understand, I’m not here to only tell you how bad sex outside of the confines of marriage is for you spiritually…I’m also here to tell you how amazing it is when you do it God’s way. There is nothing greater than the blessing of marriage and enjoying your spouse the way God designed. There is nothing as healing as your spouse being fully obsessed with everything about you, and knowing they are committed to you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. There are lots of people who want the benefits of a relationship, but without that commitment to each other through legally being married, they forgo the blessings of being married from the One who designed it.

Two more deep things when it comes to purity, and we are done. Porn, in any way, shape, or form, destroys intimacy and relationships. The enemy has a huge stronghold in the world with the sex industry, and Christians are just as addicted as the secular. Addiction and sin don’t care if you claim to be a Christ follower or not; in fact, if you are calling yourself a Christian, you are an even bigger target for the enemy. The men in my life have all struggled with porn, but no one ever mentioned it as I grew up. I remember being a young wife and finding out my husband had a porn addiction. I was completely gutted. Yes, he’s the only man I’ve ever been with, but according to the purity culture, I wasn’t enough sexually to keep him satisfied, so it was my fault he struggled with addiction. I fell for the Christian culture advice at the time that this was a result of my not doing enough from a sex perspective to keep him from needing to find more elsewhere, and instead of setting a boundary and having him get help, I carried that weight alone. Thank God, we had a wonderful pastor at the time, who saw Jeremy’s need for discipleship and walked him through biblical counseling that was solid. Jeremy was able to find healing from the intense addiction, but like any addiction, temptation still exists.

God used all these human stumbling blocks to remove layer after layer of lies, teaching me to depend fully on Him for my identity and security. I adore my husband, and we have a wonderful marriage. I also have learned that nothing Jeremy does or implies should be taken to heart unless it aligns with the Word, and the same goes for him from me. Big picture, nothing anyone says or does should be taken as pure truth until we have taken it before the Lord and allowed Him to sift out the lies for us. Whatever we do, say, or think towards each other needs to be addressed with the Lord first. If it’s important to me, it’s important to Him. But I don’t need to be talking to anyone about things until I’ve talked to God about them.

The last piece of this topic I want to touch on today is soul ties. These are formed with anyone you have sex with, have a relationship that is intimate with, tell a secret to, or even a pet that you are highly attached to. Basically, it’s any person or thing you have allowed into your life on a deep level. There are godly soul ties and ungodly ones. The Godly relationship ones are like Jonathon and David in the Old Testament, where they were each other’s best friend and had a God-centered friendship that held one another accountable. A soul tie to a spouse is a godly soul tie. One designed to mirror Christ and the Church, and be a level of intimacy that is only surpassed by your relationship with Christ. A tie to your parents can be a godly one, so long as it is within a healthy boundary, not an umbilical cord that is still attached. We are talking about appropriate dependency and hierarchy relationships here.

The ungodly soul ties are when you become co-dependent on someone, can’t function without them, your thoughts are consumed by them, or they have violated your trust. When you sleep with someone, or allow them into your life on a sacred level. You have created this tie to them. This tie gives anything that’s attached to them spiritual (good or bad) to gain access to you. So when you sleep with someone who struggles with addiction, you’re giving those demons access to the most sacred parts of yourself. The good news is that through the power of the Blood of Christ, you can pray these soul ties off, and God can restore to you what was stolen by the enemy. But you have to choose to do this; it’s not something your grandma can do on your behalf. You have to truly want free of the grip of the enemy and his access into your life, and willingly give God access into those places and relationships. It’s not always fun. There have been people I trusted, confided in, and adored who have become toxic over time. I had to pray off the soul ties I had with them and ask God to restore what was mine to me, and shut any doors I had opened to the enemy. I have been honored that women come to my home for prayer and healing as we intercede from the great Healer. One of the first things we do is make a list of every single person they have had sex with, kissed, told a secret to that was then turned against them, or felt violated or abandoned by. Then we pray over that list name by name, forgiving each one of them and asking God to heal them, breaking off the soul tie and restoring them to how God intended. Then we burn the list when they’re done. It’s a visual that they never forget. They have forgiven those people and God is restoring them to His original design. 

I hope this came across right. The trouble with written words is we lose tone and the audible heart behind them. I hope you understand there’s a difference between virginity and purity. You can only lose your virginity once, but your purity is a daily choice. It’s the motives, intentions, and goals of our decisions. Ps 51:10 asks God to create a clean heart in us. This is one of the things I beg God for daily, create a pure heart in me, break my heart for what breaks God’s heart, and give me eyes that see eternity. Crop tops aren’t going to keep my teens out of heaven, but their hearts’ intentions will. This is why we talk about heart motives at our house, what their brains are thinking about, and what their actions are communicating the most. I’m not here to be the one-inch tank top strap police of the 90’s, or the t-shirt over your swimsuit counselor of the early 2000’s. I’m here as a friend who has had my fair share of mistakes and wants to see this next generation be successful and secure in their walk with the Lord. I want to see amazing, solid, vibrant, and deeply intimate relationships for my children and their spouses. I want my ceiling to be the foundation of their marriages, and every generation to build on the one before it. Admitting our mistakes, repenting, and doing things a better way is the only way to truly live a set-apart life that reflects the grace and faithfulness of Christ.

Time for a walk outside where there is sunshine. You’re welcome to reach out if you want to talk more, but you’re also welcome to just sit here, on the porch in a rocking chair, or even walk with me. The thing is, even though I’m healed, have repented, and share my testimony for His Glory, it doesn’t make the weight of my choices disappear. They won’t loom over me with shame clouds, but I am sad I didn’t understand then what I do now. So, I may not be as chatty on our walk, but as always, no topic is off limits, and I will do my best to help you find hope in the darkness.