The Kitchen Floor

No matter how you were raised, you have a unique set of ways you process information, interact with others, and navigate life. Some structures we have in place are great, and some need torn down and rebuilt. When you are accustomed to things going a certain way, patterns, and have your own quirks and boundaries to manage things. But those ways don’t always serve us well in the long run. In fact, we often default to our ways and methods of thinking over the truth, or even the Gospel. This spiritual and mental loop requires a new way of thinking to heal. At our house, we call this Right Thinking.

As I have mentioned in prior posts, we have been blessed to minister to children and their families who are in the foster care system. Over 75 children have crossed our threshold, most were able to go to a close relative or be reunified. My youngest 4 children were not as fortunate; instead they were left with no one to care for them, and our family is honored to call them ours. Their trauma history varies from child to child, but one of the things they have in common is a very poor set of processing skills. They have all had the people who should have loved, protected, and cherished them abuse, abandon, and neglect them. Training their brains to think healthy thoughts, while acknowledging what they have survived, is a daily part of our family life.

When our boys came to us, they were ages two and a half and four. The two-year-old was completely non-verbal, and the four-year-old had significant speech delays. Those challenges did not hinder him from caring for his little brother’s every need. This was the first area we had to work on with him, learning that we would meet their needs, answer their cries, and be a safe place to land. We would do a two-week mom-boot camp with each new placement, where we worked as a family to make sure they knew to come to us as the parents to get needs met, and general family rules and expectations were also gently communicated during those weeks. It sounds harsh to those who haven’t had a child brought to their door with nothing but the shorts and shirt with holes in it on their body to call their own, but it was vital in their healing. They needed to know that we would care for them and we would begin earning their trust through repeated fulfillment of our promises to meet their needs.

It was in those moments that the Lord began to teach me so much about how He cares for us. He knows when we need a “God-wink”, the little nods and things in our days that make us feel seen and loved. He knows when we need a rainy day to give ourselves permission to slow the pace and process some things we have been pushing to the side. He knows before we pray and ask for things, and He delights in showing us His love for us through His consistent faithfulness. When my child’s cup runs low on water, I am quick to fill it. When we are getting close to dinner, I know they need food and what they prefer. I can actually tell you what time of day each child will ask for snacks, sweets, or have a meltdown, purely because I am their parent and I delight in knowing them.

But much like those first two weeks, and sometimes longer, they question my faithfulness to them as a parent, and resist my help because they have been conditioned to independence.

Man, if that isn’t me with the Lord. I love being able to do things myself. I love being the helper and not the helped. Maybe you don’t struggle with that, I’m so genuinely happy for you. However, I literally went through an entire year where my instruction from the Lord was to learn to let others adore me and receive His love for me. I was convinced it was going to take me out. Letting others serve me just because they love me?! Receiving gifts with no strings attached or need to reciprocate?! Trusting that others were genuine in their care and pure in their motives. In case you’re putting pieces together, that year was the year after we moved and God started healing all the years of church hurt. I had to learn to be loved. I had spent 37 years helping and loving others with every fiber of my being, yet I had never let others love me from a place of security. I believed my immediate family and select friends were genuine, but no further than that. I remember a sweet, sweet soul bringing me a mini bouquet and a note that said she felt like God was telling her to love me and to establish a friendship in 2015 and I was like “Nope! You’re not tricking me!” Not to her, but in my heart. I missed out on countless friendships and opportunities because I was afraid to be loved.

See, that’s what trauma does. It creates thought patterns in our minds that say A+B=C the past 3 times, so this time it will be the same even though it’s A+D=…well, you’ll never know because you already shut them down. We have to ask the Holy Spirit to show us these patterns, and sometimes we need a therapist too. You only need to think something once for it to start to loop, and then a loop becomes a highway in your mind. Thankfully, even scientists have proven we can reprogram the way we think!

We are now over 4 years into the boys being here 24*7, adopted, and knowing this is forever. Some patterns are healing, some still rear their ugly head. The older of the two boys has attachment issues, which means he loves people who don’t live with him because he can have fun and then walk away with no emotions. He can’t do that with me. He knows I will hold him accountable, speak into his life, have seen his ugliest moments, have celebrated all the wins, and don’t fall for his tricks. I have worked daily to earn his trust by promising I will never lie to him (this has caused some tense moments as I navigate telling him the truth at age-appropriate levels), always loving him no matter his emotions or current opinion of me, and meeting his needs emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have wept over this child more times than I can count. Like in the kitchen floor completely broken after having to handle an inappropriate behavior or parent a very hard situation where he was at fault, because I was so concerned about how his heart would perceive love that looked different right then.

One morning, after that son needed to make a mat in my floor (first time in over 3 years for him), he climbed up on the end of my bed and woke up slowly from his peaceful night of sleep. Key word, his, because I had been up all night with the insomniac, sleep talkers, and sleep walkers. He asked how his younger brother, the insomniac, had done in their room solo overnight. I shared he did ok, that I went to check on him often as I promised, and I made sure he was safe, warm, and had everything he needed. I also explained he had been up most of the night, but only exited the room 2 times. I expected for this buddy boy to be hopeful it was only twice, but instead he dropped his head and released a deep sigh. “I wish he would just make good choices, mom.” I paused, asked God for wisdom, and then reminded him that only a year prior we were dealing with a lot of bad choices from him as well. “What do you think changed that made you want to make good choices? Because it was like a switch flipped one day, and you just started making better choices. Maybe we could help brother with his choices if he knew what helped you.” I totally expected a developmentally appropriate answer, but what he said will forever be inscribed on my heart. He looked me right in the eyes and with full conviction, said, “I realized how much I love you, and I never want to live without you. So I learned to make good choices because that means I can be closer to you forever.” Y’all, I was struggling hard not to cry on this boy at 7 am. It wasn’t about performance, commands, or even expectations. He explained righteous living like I had never heard it before. He felt the love I had for him, and that love convicted him to live in such a way that he could be closer to me. Even if that meant putting his natural preferences aside and learning to live a new way, isn’t that what we should do in response to the Gospel? We love because He loved us first. 1 John 4:19. We change because we know how much better it is to be close to Him, and our ways are sinful. Romans 8:12-8:17. This is righteous living at its core. What a privilege to be called to love these children to life, being a tangible representation of the Father, and learning more about the Father’s heart from their own mouths. Psalms 8:2.

The conviction and truth of his words play in my mind. I am so grateful God allowed me to see His healing power in my boy’s life. He showed a vulnerability of attachment and the desire to be closer, even if it meant letting go of his old ways and embracing new ones. Oh, that the Spirit would work in my heart as it has in my child’s, convicting me of my need to release and submit my ways to Him for healing.

So, I sit here. Humbled. Sobered. Aware. His grace and mercy are present. His love is unchanging. I am so grateful to be His daughter. I’m going to finish off this cup of water and get back to parenting. But you’re welcome to hang out as long as you need. Just remember you are loved, so much so that He won’t let you stay in a negative loop, sin, or stop pursuing you. He is good.